Do you know what my actor butt has been scared to do since moving to the Windy City? Audition. The past couple years I’ve focused so much on songwriting that my voice has actually changed, not to mention my style. I’ve grown up. My energy is different. My repertoire book is filled with songs I worked on in college. Even though I’m not that much older in years, most of these songs don’t jive with me anymore. They feel like distant muscle memory.
The daunting task of redoing my entire audition book kept me from auditioning and fed my fear of not making good first impressions in a new city. This applies to returning to any rusty task. It’s scary. We build up a skill or network that we’re proud of. Then we’re brave and plop ourselves in a new environment and EEK!
Adjustments aren’t predictable. I’ve always considered myself quite flexible. Yet auditioning again feels like I’m trying to go back to doing full splits after not stretching for several months. Ouch, right?
I feel judgement that I haven’t auditioned or gone to open mics. I haven’t met people because I’m not going to the places to meet new faces. It’s clear why things aren’t moving like the groove I had before so why do I still beat myself up? I have to find a new groove! I’ve expected similar results forgetting the fact that I had seven years in my last city to build my skills and networks. I’ve been in Chicago for almost one year. Unreasonable? Unrealistic? Absolutely. Yet it takes a whole lot of effort to shake those judgemental thoughts (that are totally in my own head).
Many go-getters are so hard-wired to make a big move (geographically or professionally) and excitedly show everybody their successes and growth. Why is it we think our growth will continue at the same rate despite a completely new atmosphere? Because nobody talks about that part. We hear about people getting the big promotion or scoring that tour. We see Instagram stories about people’s “perfect” relationships and being #bookedandblessed. Who wants to post a video of themselves crying because they didn’t get that job they really wanted? Or post a status about how long its been since they did a project that made them light up? Nobody enjoys sharing these parts. We only want people to see the confetti and smiles.
Reevaluate. Where are you in your journey at the moment? The moon is always full yet we can only see it in its phases. Isn’t life like that too?
Occasionally I meditate on my current situation and intentionally decide there is no destination. Everything is truly an ongoing journey. Surprisingly, that calms me. Instead of building something for a future, I focus on current growth and then observe however that takes shape. I don’t trust that my future will hold certain things. But I am learning to trust that holding certain values in my present will manifest greater versions of those things in my future “present.” If I want a constantly creative lifestyle and a tribe of friends that focus on heart rather than mind, I can find that now. I may not be financially compensated or have as many authentic friendships as I’d like, but I can let go of anything that doesn’t serve that truth. The view may change but the goals will not. Give yourself permission to have what you want NOW.
My spirituality is growing stronger every day and I’m thrilled to see where it’ll lead me. More than ever I want to engage in conversation and learn ways to realign our desires. Each one of us are so much stronger than we realize.
As always, if you have a story or idea that you’d like me to write about, let me know! Comment on this post about where you are in your journey. Is that your spiritual journey? Professional? Emotional? You tell me. Let’s expand together. Otherwise, what’s the point?
Until next time,
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Cover Photo by Sawyer Bengtson on Unsplash